Lara Zijl 
The inquest into the deaths of Lilie James and her ex-boyfriend, Paul Thijssen, has shed light on the dangers of coercive control and the normalization of concerning behaviors in relationships, particularly in the digital age.
Lilie James, a beloved water polo coach, was brutally murdered by Thijssen on October 25, 2023, inside a bathroom at the school where they both worked. The murder was a culmination of Thijssen’s obsessive and controlling behavior, which escalated after James decided to end their short relationship.
The Red Flags of Coercive Control
The inquest revealed Thijssen’s disturbing attempts to monitor James’ every move, including:
- Location Sharing & Constant Check-ins: Thijssen obsessively tracked James’ location on Snapchat, becoming upset when she didn’t respond to his calls or texts immediately.
- Jealousy & Manipulation: He shared a private image of James with friends, seemingly to reassert dominance, and used degrading language to control her.
- Digital Monitoring: Thijssen’s relentless checking of James’ location exemplifies the dangers of digital monitoring, a recognized form of coercive control that is often misunderstood by young people.
A Lack of Awareness and Normalization of Abuse
While Thijssen’s friends had witnessed glimpses of his controlling behavior, they didn’t fully grasp the severity of the situation. James herself was likely unaware of the full extent of Thijssen’s stalking and controlling actions, including his previous violent behavior towards his ex-girlfriend.
Experts emphasized the need for greater education and awareness about coercive control and technology-assisted abuse. They stressed that such behavior should not be normalized and that friends and family members must be empowered to intervene when they see concerning signs.
The Need for Cultural Change
The inquest highlighted the need for cultural change regarding masculinity and relationships, particularly regarding how young men are taught to respect women’s choices and boundaries. Lilie James’ parents poignantly expressed the need for a shift in societal norms to prevent future tragedies.
Unanswered Questions and the Need for Prevention
While experts could not definitively explain Thijssen’s actions, they agreed that his murder of James was a calculated and premeditated act. Despite his concerning behavior, there were no clear indicators that he would commit such a violent act.
The inquest served as a stark reminder of the dangers of coercive control and the importance of recognizing and addressing such behavior early on. It is crucial to educate both young people and adults about the warning signs of abusive relationships and to empower them to take action to protect themselves and others.
